Depression & Anxiety are my two old shitty roommates that contribute nothing to our living arrangement but messes and toxic environments. I call them Dee & Anx for short, cause God knows they already take up too much room. They don’t help pay the bills. As a matter of fact, they make it harder to earn the money that’s paying them by having such a bad attitude about our job. I mean, yeah, I know the place has problems, okay a lot of problems, but it’s a job! We get paid and there are some nice people there, mixed in with not so nice people that need to seriously work on themselves. A positive perspective can do wonders for when the grind is getting you down. A new job is always nice too, but that’s not always easy or available, so until then, I’m trying to make the best of it. But Dee likes to reminisce about how much better the place was back in the day and Anx likes to worry about what fresh hell the bosses will lay on us next. Living in the past or future does nothing to help me in the now and that’s where I am at and what I have to deal with.
They live to disrupt my “now,” even if my now is sleeping. That’s Anx’s favorite time to make herself known; like at 4am, two hours before my alarm goes off to get up for work. She just loves to creep up on me when I least expect it and seize me up with her incessant rant worrying about what the day may bring. Anx makes me truly understand what losing one’s mind might actually feel like and well, it terrifies me. Anx can make someone go crazy. She totally sucks. Truthfully she is so much like my mother and I couldn’t live with her either! When Anx really gets to me, that’s when Dee, of course, will frequently enter the room like she owns the place and make me feel like I am nothing, that I contribute nothing, like I’m a total failure. But that’s just not the truth and I know it. I have the receipts to prove it. I have the experience and the wisdom to show for it and no one can ever take that from me. This is my place and my name is on the lease. I am in charge and I say what goes. I choose who I want to live with.
That’s when I knew that I had to evict them. I know they will end up crashing at my place occasionally. I get that. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t be ready to show them the door in the morning once again. Dee & Anx had to go. They can’t stay here. They really mess up my zen that I work hard to maintain. It’s not easy out there in the world and the shit life slings at you. You don’t need any internal forces bringing you down. You choose what to live with. I have a past, present and future but what I choose to focus on is up to me. I can look out my window and see scraps of sky and clouds peaking between tall buildings and the occasional bird darting between power and clothes lines; but I choose what I want to focus on. I can look beyond the concrete jungle and see the world of possibility that breathes along side it everyday waiting for me to pay attention.
So Dee & Anx just simply couldn’t stay here anymore. I don’t have the room since I let Faith & Mindfulness move in. They have their friends Hope and Happiness come by a lot and I really am into that Happiness fella. I’m pretty certain I want to marry him someday.
This hit home so deeply. Inspiring thoughts. Need to work on them.
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